I am just back from taking Midi for a slushy walk around the capital. Dozens of languages floated past us as we walked past the National Arts center and rounded the Canadian version of the White house. It is the giant sandstone house on the hill.... It stood there against a bleak gray sky with it's turquoise copper caps snagging the heavy winter clouds as they sauntered by. It was a perfect day for my winter heart. So much has happened the last few days. Not that "many" things don't unfold each and every day, because they do. It's just sometimes, there is that one thing that jars your face open and rips the breath outta your throat. Sudden death. An untimely, unknown happening that you could never in a thousand Sundays, prepare for. I heard crying in the room when I was told about my friend leaving the earth, and was surprised that it was coming out of me. A kind of wail. A kind of moan. A kind of whimpering sorrow that had no beginning and no ending.

It doesn't last,- that kind of pain. It lifts after you've wailed an hour or two. You can't hang onto it. I couldn't anyway. After a day it comes in like waves, crashing against your rib cage and winding around your eyeballs. Today it just lingered like smoke around everything I did and thought to do. I kept seeing shadows behind me, and I'd turn to see if it were he, but it was not.

Death is coming always. For each of us it waits behind trees and stars and mountains and grass and wind and thunder and sky. To not think of it there, is a fools doing. To be afraid of dying is indeed to be afraid of living.

The thing that I have come away with more than anything else from this tragedy, is the lesson about choices that we make in our lives. Choices to live well or not live well.
Choices to stand up or lay down. To try, to give up. To be ourselves.

Who would you be if there was no one around to tell you otherwise?
What would you do if no one was watching or judging you?

I am going to run a bath and sit for a moment or two before I am taken over to the hall.
I can't stop seeing those shadows dart just off to one side.
I wonder when I'll stop trying to see them. When I'll stop turning around.
I am sorry that I won't see him again. I'll just see these shadows that will eventually be replaced by the most beautiful smile.
The most beautiful big blue eyes, and cheery laugh.
All six foot five of you, pouring over every chair you ever sat in. There was just  too much of you. No door way could quite give you enough space, certainly no big old airplane could even find your legs a place to stretch out. You had a tall heart too. I always felt like you would have stood in front of anyone who would have stood in front of me.
You were as gentle as  you were tall. You were sincere and kind and easy to laugh. You loved a good glass of wine and cold beer.
You loved music like it were your own breath. You loved every note and every note loved  you back.
Jesus must have needed a piano player.....

I won't write anymore for now. I will miss you so very much.
I will think of you from time to time and perhaps someday, I won't be quite so angry with you for leaving as you did.
I will remember your "leaning down hugs".....your orange shirt....your goofy nerdy clothes...
I'll keep an eye on your girls....I'lll track them down for walks and lunches and the latest news. I'll always make the effort for them.

LIfe is for the living.
And live shall we all.

Good bye for now.